I'm jealous of your bromance
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
