So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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