The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
