I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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