When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
