I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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