i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
