you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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