i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
