I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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