i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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