I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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