nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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