enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
