forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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