i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
