it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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