My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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