just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
