my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
