I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
