Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
