Jerry, you need to find god
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
