Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
