Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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