if only i could text you this smell
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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