i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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