yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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