Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
