Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
