His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
