can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
