Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
