We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
