Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
