Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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