I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
