why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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