My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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