Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
