I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
