she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
