She said her name was "party"
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
