that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
