dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we're so committed to being not committed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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