You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
