I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
