i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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