Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
