oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
